Thinking About... Martyrs

I say this with the utmost sincerity, in the least dramatic way possible: It feels like I just watched a horror movie for the first time.

I will cherish this viewing experience and how I feel right now forever, because I know time will eat away at it. Numb it. Change it. I'll talk about this movie in an attempt to capture how it felt, all the while knowing that the feeling is past and words will be a pale imitation.

I understand why people find movies like this actively harmful at worst and completely meaningless at best. But I can't agree. If I'm feeling spiteful, which is never a rational place to be, I'd say folks who genuinely think that should consider themselves fortunate. But in normal moments, I know better. I know people who have suffered far more than me will still find the movie pointless or gratuitous, and they reserve the right. It's all a matter of how we process things.

Martyrs will not bring my mood down. It will not make me spiral and question the meaning of life. It does not show me new darkness, it displays what's been around. And with my sensibilities, this does not cause me despair. It's stories like this, in their refusal to evade, that keep me sane and grounded. The dark is not going away and that's something I have to deal with. And having emerged from this latest, intimate encounter with it, I am better off. Because for at least a few days, or maybe just a few hours, the light will burn brighter. The world will feel more corporeal, my gratitude for the simple fact of life more profound.

I've heard people say the great thing about horror is it shows us monsters are real and they can be defeated. I get it, but am a bit wary of that description. Personally, I like horror because monsters are real, and they very well might kill us, but we fight anyway. We fight regardless of how it ends because that's what we do. We get up, and do our thing, not knowing what it'll amount to, just like we do kindness to lift those around us up, close friends, family, and strangers alike, hoping it will be enough. And maybe it won't be. But we're still here, still alive, so we'll do what we can, and nothing will stop us in that pursuit. Martyrs does not make me want to die, it makes me want to desperately cling to life and be the best person I can be, because

“People no longer contemplate suffering...”

and I hope to never be amongst that number.